Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize