Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
