My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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