my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
