so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
