You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
