Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i believe in u and ur pee
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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