They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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