Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize