Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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