Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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