I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
