Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
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