swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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