So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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