Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
