eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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