Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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