does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Its about making memories worth repressing
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
