well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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