Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
