Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i've created a new STD.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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