it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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