just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
