He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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