moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
