Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
