It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
