my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
