I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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