oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
