I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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