My room smells like vodka and shame
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
