My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
