god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
