Betty ford says i'm here all night
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
