Pappa wants mamma naked
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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