just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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