he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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