I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
