Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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