I got chris browned last night
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
