and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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