I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
