her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So many bounce houses so little time
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
