the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
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