my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
