She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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