farters have to be the big spoon...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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