My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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