dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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