We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
