the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You smell like stripper and shame
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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