I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
