So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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