So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
